What Are You? A Bumper Sticker?

The title surmises it all. As you may or may not know or care, there was a recent commercial for the fast food joint Sonic on T.V. As you may or may not know or care, these commercials are generally funny and feature a low quality and very "indie-film-noir" style "car-camera" in which the reactions of people eating Sonic food (generally the same people who I have actually come to believe are not real actors, but actual customers), are recorded. These commercials are humorous and usually end with a very vibrant camera pan of a few wax recreations of some sort of Sonic food, sometimes the one the people in the care are eating, sometimes not. Okay, so on the latest commercial that I saw, a wife and husband were eating something in their car. We'll refer to the actual meal here by the alias of "Sonic's New Cherry Cheesecake Milkshake". The wife talks about her quest during the summer to lose weight, and her angst over not eating as much dessert as she would have normally been accustomed to. The husband responds by saying perhaps she should opt for enjoying the dessert she has now instead of complaining about the ones she missed. She responds with the punch line of the commercial (wait, commercials have punch lines now?!) by saying, and this is a real kicker, "What are you? A bumper sticker?"

If you did not just laugh, even very quietly to yourself, you do not belong on this site reading my blog. I believe the entire character of human nature, and our evolution through this world to find our purpose in life might, could, and will (for the next 10 minutes) be characterized by that exact phrase: "What are you? A bumper sticker?" For that truly does explain quite a bit, does it not? Think more deeply about it. That's right all you little teenage girls out there, put down your Starbucks double-frappuccinos and think. All you boys put down your anabolic steroids and Axe body spray for one moment and think about it.

Bumper stickers seemed to be, and increasingly are the most common mode of the communication of Very Useless and Disturbingly Common Axioms, or VUDCA. Wait, that almost spells Vodka...Unfortunately, there is now way I can change it so it still contains the words 'useless' and the phrase 'disturbingly common'.

Anyway, you know the exact sort of bumper stickers I'm talking about. The kind that make you squirm in your seat when your driving and throw your lumbar support system all out of whack. The kind that make your blood run hot, and your desire to pass on the right increase. The most common are the following:

-Jesus loves you.
-Jesus really loves you.
-Jesus hates you, but might love you if you give my Church some money.
-Honk if you hate yourself.
-Smile if you've just paid your taxes but "forgot" to fill out IRS form 1-A17/D-446
-My son is an honors student.
-My daughter is an honors student.
-My son could beat up your honors kid.
-Jesus loves my son and is going to help him beat up your honors kid. Damn Arabs! We should kill all foreigners and make NASCAR the national pastime!

So you see the situation that plagues our national roadways, infects the bumper of every 1992 white Ford Escort, and has driven our nations drivers mad with the road-rage inducing affects of bumper stickers that are too small to see anyway.

The bottom line is that a lot of scary things, weird things, and downright stupid things are promoted through the blatant and untasteful use of bumper stickers.

So when you think about it, 'What are you? A bumper sticker?' Can actually be interpreted on many different levels. We are all victims in one way or another of senseless advertising or stupid people pitching stupid products or stupid ideas. People spouting non-sensical nosense (yes I know that's redundant) because they saw it on a bumper-sticker is a sure-fire sign of the coming apocaylpse, and when that comes, I think the last thing you want to hear is, "What are you? A bumper sticker?"

Korea with Nukes

So, North Korea officially tested a nuclear weapon yesterday in an underground facility slightly north of the capitol. This is strangely exciting and strangley disturbing. Distubring because I now know for certain that one more country, with morons as leaders, has nukes. Excited because I got to listen to Bush talk about it and was excited to see if my new Predict-a-Phrase would actually work.

These are quotes from an AFB article on the subject. Let the dissection begin. Words highlighted in blue represent certain key words Bush likes to use. Words in red are things that Bush says to increase American commitent to the war on terror. Words in yellow are things he thought up one his own and decided to "wing it" and see how they sounded outside of his head.

Bush declined to confirm the Stalinist regime's claim overnight that it had successfully tested a nuclear device but branded the announcement itself "a threat to international peace and security."

"We reaffirmed our commitment to a nuclear-free Korean peninsula. And all of us agreed that the proclaimed actions taken by North Korea are unacceptable and deserve an immediate response by the United Nations Security Council," he said.

"Once again North Korea has defied the will of the international community, and the international community will respond," the US president said in brief remarks at the White House.

Bush said that he remained "committed to diplomacy" but also stressed that the United States "will continue to protect ourselves and our interests" and will follow through on pledges to protect allies in the region.

He also warned North Korea that Washington would view any transfer of nuclear weapons or material by North Korea to other countries or non-state entities -- like terrorist groups -- as "a grave threat" to US security.

"We would hold North Korea fully accountable of the consequences of such action," he said, renewing charges that the Stalinist regime has transferred missile technology to Syria and Iran.

"We're working to confirm North Korea's claim. Such a claim itself constitutes a threat to international peace and security. The United States condemns this provocative act," said Bush.

"Threats will not lead to a brighter future for the North Korean people, nor weaken the resolve of the United States and our allies to achieve the denuclearization of the Korean Peninsula," said Bush.

Enlightened? Talk of the "international community" is meant to bolster American confidence in the foreign relations of America's top people. Tommorrow, I'll start the Invasion of Korea percentage meter which will be updated accordingly until we invade Iran or the problem just goes away, whichever comes first. I'd get our yellow ribbons ready, personally.