My Exciting New Career

It's been awhile since my last post, and there are a wide array of reasons for this that I can supply you with in order to satisfy your curiosity (with a varying degree of honesty). However, in this case truth proves quite stranger than fiction. For, it is with a solemn tone that I relinquish from this cruel the world the last iota of my dignity and surrender upon you the tale of how I spent last weekend providing hoards of young children with the joy of meeting one of the most jaundiced role models to accumulate massive wealth via intensively pervasive cross-media advertising.

If you're still following, I applaud your dedication. You must be as bored as I am.

If you're not, and I can completely understand if you're not, allow me to provide a visual aid:



That's right folks, our good friend and (let's admit it) blatant media whore SpongeBob Squarepants.

Through lengthy and difficult means I was able to secure an interview at the Maritime Aquarium, a prestigious center for recreation and education strategically located near a section of Long Island Sound that was named in a recent issue of North Eastern Living, the "smelliest accumulation of sea gunk this reporter has ever witnessed". Hahaha. All jokes aside though, this place smells. I think there used to be a beach here, but it is hard to be 100% sure because of the intensive layer of sea life that piles under the old docks in varying degrees of decomposition. Needless to say, Long Island Sound doesn't make for the most attractive draw for tourists, and this constant struggle that the Connecticut coast maintains with prevailing standards of aesthetics maintained by American society has resulted in one awkward aquarium. This is not to say that the Aquarium does not try hard. For example, they proudly proclaim via brochures and pamphlets that they exhibit only specimens that reside naturally in Long Island Sound. In fact, they go out of their way to make a point of this during tours and informative sessions. The only thing that troubles me is the otters display. I'm not sure that we have otters in the sound. But I'll be damned if they're not the cutest things you've ever seen.

Anyway, I aced the interview and got a ob as a cashier/usher. This is a pretty wild job in which I rotate around 4 stations that are equally montonous. One of the essential tenets of any good Aquarium employee is proficiency with the SpongeBob Squarepants 4-D Adventure Ride. This ride combines two things that children love: spine-damaging herky jerky motion and bright and loud cartoon characters acting out inane and often morally perplexing plots. Nothing beats the exhilirating feeling that accompanies a distorted image of SpongeBob Squarepants constructing a "Crabby-Patty" as your "one-size-fits-no-one" 4-D glasses slip slowly down your nose. Wait, I lied. Pretty much everything beats that feeling.

However, I am getting paid above minimum wage, so that has to count for something.

Updates

So, I know I have been a little flaky with the updates lately, sorry about that. Things have been sorta hectic around here lately. My senior year is winding down and it looks like I'll be attending my local public university in the fall. I was a bit disappointed a month ago when I realized that it was probably the best option. Since then, I've felt like I've been living outside of myself to a certain extent, like an outside observer peeking into the goings-on in my own life. I was admitted to several prestigious private universities, my first pick among them, but in the end money trumps all, and you can't beat a practically free education. Besides, I was admitted to an select "honors program" within the university which will give me access to smaller specialty classes along with some other convenient perks. All in all, it won't be terrible. But there is a certain exhilarating feeling that accompanies resignation, a feeling of losing control and surrendering to forces completely outside of your control. I've tried hard in school, not as hard as I could have, but hard enough to sneak into a select group of students who have obviously tried much harder than I have to achieve not that much more. In this way, I feel like I've maintained a certain degree of academic excellence without sacrificing my last bit of personality or creativity.

Plus, my uncle sent me a new laptop as an early graduation present, and my shallow love for technology has provided with a means for temporary escape from any subtle wallowing that might plague most kids in my situation. The other day my mother told me though that I had handled this entire decision making process with a lot of maturity and logic but I couldn't help but admit on the inside that it simply felt out of my control. I told her that I was just making the best choices for the long term. And that's true too, I suppose.

Today I took my dog, Killer, for a walk in the park. I brought along a few tennis balls to entertain myself with. And when I say "entertain myself", I do mean, quite literally, "myself". You see, for my dog, a game of fetch is not a game at all but simply practice for the day when I once again allow her to roam the streets of our town hunting down squirrels to feed her illegitimate puppies, which is what she did as a stray. So for her, its not fun and games. However, for me the story is quite different. I must confess, there are few things I find more sincerely gratifying than watching my dog practically explode with canine excitement at the mere glimpse of a fuzzy yellow ball. It is during these moments of mindless, instinctual activity that I really do question both he sanity and intelligence of my dog. I've never been on to subscribe to the romantic notion of dog as man's best friend, with keen insight and loyalty to humans. No, instead I'm forced to accept the fact that my dog's intelligence would be more aptly compared to that of a dumb fish or even a plant. I can't decide whether or not her lack of intelligence helps her to lead a more enjoyable life.

Quantum Theory

There is a trickle of particulate
articulating a decline in truth
Uncouth and with a sheen most malignant
to feel slow silk sliding over you

Soaker Season

Today hit close to 70 degrees which is a remarkable accomplishment considering a month ago we were still fearing snow. All of this warm weather, combined with the impending end of my high school career in the form of the formal parade of pomp and academic glory of graduation, has gotten me very excited. So excited that I've taken up yard work. Planting flowers, edging, mulching, these are sides of myself than I never knew existed. Andrew the florist doesn't exactly fulfill my ideal career goal, however I'd be lying if I said I didn't think it had a nice ring to it.

With the warm weather comes some other interests, namely: soaking. Water warfare has been a serious hobby of mine for close to six years now, and while my interest in it has waned of late, I'm not about to let the last summer I have before college go without a single water fight. Currently, things are falling into place for a graduation party for both me, and by best friend Sean. I've been best friends with Sean for about as long as I've been soaking, so it would stand to reason that in addition to lots of grilling, football, and cake, there were also be a few large-scale water fights.

School is going good, but I am definitely beginning to succumb to senioritis. They say its bad, but I disagree. It feels great knowing that in a few months I will not be subject to the same obligations and academic commitments that have tied me down for the past four years. And while college holds the promise of an entirely new set of challenges, far greater in scale and diversity than anything I have encountered before, I cannot help but be grateful for the alleviation of all that I have come to despise. I recently learned of my class rank, 28 in a class of 360 or so students. Needless to say, I was pretty happy. I've think that I've really improved myself this year, however these improvements do not come with a feeling of guilt, as if I'm leaving it all behind. And while the concept of a large and dramatic departure from this place come graduation held quite a bit of appeal at the beginning of the year, I like to think that I've matured enough to understand and appreciate the reasons why I'm staying. I'm a little scared that I'll find myself continuing to tell myself that I will leave eventually and that these desires will never come to fruition. But the truth is that I've come to realize what the best next step for my future is financially. I just hope that I haven't become complacent to the point of denial.

Momma's Boys Are Drug Addicts, According to Science

...or at least that's what I gleaned from watching this video after linking from Gizmodo. Truer words have never been spoken. This is like Christmas for us judgmental jerks.