My Exciting New Career

It's been awhile since my last post, and there are a wide array of reasons for this that I can supply you with in order to satisfy your curiosity (with a varying degree of honesty). However, in this case truth proves quite stranger than fiction. For, it is with a solemn tone that I relinquish from this cruel the world the last iota of my dignity and surrender upon you the tale of how I spent last weekend providing hoards of young children with the joy of meeting one of the most jaundiced role models to accumulate massive wealth via intensively pervasive cross-media advertising.

If you're still following, I applaud your dedication. You must be as bored as I am.

If you're not, and I can completely understand if you're not, allow me to provide a visual aid:



That's right folks, our good friend and (let's admit it) blatant media whore SpongeBob Squarepants.

Through lengthy and difficult means I was able to secure an interview at the Maritime Aquarium, a prestigious center for recreation and education strategically located near a section of Long Island Sound that was named in a recent issue of North Eastern Living, the "smelliest accumulation of sea gunk this reporter has ever witnessed". Hahaha. All jokes aside though, this place smells. I think there used to be a beach here, but it is hard to be 100% sure because of the intensive layer of sea life that piles under the old docks in varying degrees of decomposition. Needless to say, Long Island Sound doesn't make for the most attractive draw for tourists, and this constant struggle that the Connecticut coast maintains with prevailing standards of aesthetics maintained by American society has resulted in one awkward aquarium. This is not to say that the Aquarium does not try hard. For example, they proudly proclaim via brochures and pamphlets that they exhibit only specimens that reside naturally in Long Island Sound. In fact, they go out of their way to make a point of this during tours and informative sessions. The only thing that troubles me is the otters display. I'm not sure that we have otters in the sound. But I'll be damned if they're not the cutest things you've ever seen.

Anyway, I aced the interview and got a ob as a cashier/usher. This is a pretty wild job in which I rotate around 4 stations that are equally montonous. One of the essential tenets of any good Aquarium employee is proficiency with the SpongeBob Squarepants 4-D Adventure Ride. This ride combines two things that children love: spine-damaging herky jerky motion and bright and loud cartoon characters acting out inane and often morally perplexing plots. Nothing beats the exhilirating feeling that accompanies a distorted image of SpongeBob Squarepants constructing a "Crabby-Patty" as your "one-size-fits-no-one" 4-D glasses slip slowly down your nose. Wait, I lied. Pretty much everything beats that feeling.

However, I am getting paid above minimum wage, so that has to count for something.