What Are You? A Bumper Sticker?

The title surmises it all. As you may or may not know or care, there was a recent commercial for the fast food joint Sonic on T.V. As you may or may not know or care, these commercials are generally funny and feature a low quality and very "indie-film-noir" style "car-camera" in which the reactions of people eating Sonic food (generally the same people who I have actually come to believe are not real actors, but actual customers), are recorded. These commercials are humorous and usually end with a very vibrant camera pan of a few wax recreations of some sort of Sonic food, sometimes the one the people in the care are eating, sometimes not. Okay, so on the latest commercial that I saw, a wife and husband were eating something in their car. We'll refer to the actual meal here by the alias of "Sonic's New Cherry Cheesecake Milkshake". The wife talks about her quest during the summer to lose weight, and her angst over not eating as much dessert as she would have normally been accustomed to. The husband responds by saying perhaps she should opt for enjoying the dessert she has now instead of complaining about the ones she missed. She responds with the punch line of the commercial (wait, commercials have punch lines now?!) by saying, and this is a real kicker, "What are you? A bumper sticker?"

If you did not just laugh, even very quietly to yourself, you do not belong on this site reading my blog. I believe the entire character of human nature, and our evolution through this world to find our purpose in life might, could, and will (for the next 10 minutes) be characterized by that exact phrase: "What are you? A bumper sticker?" For that truly does explain quite a bit, does it not? Think more deeply about it. That's right all you little teenage girls out there, put down your Starbucks double-frappuccinos and think. All you boys put down your anabolic steroids and Axe body spray for one moment and think about it.

Bumper stickers seemed to be, and increasingly are the most common mode of the communication of Very Useless and Disturbingly Common Axioms, or VUDCA. Wait, that almost spells Vodka...Unfortunately, there is now way I can change it so it still contains the words 'useless' and the phrase 'disturbingly common'.

Anyway, you know the exact sort of bumper stickers I'm talking about. The kind that make you squirm in your seat when your driving and throw your lumbar support system all out of whack. The kind that make your blood run hot, and your desire to pass on the right increase. The most common are the following:

-Jesus loves you.
-Jesus really loves you.
-Jesus hates you, but might love you if you give my Church some money.
-Honk if you hate yourself.
-Smile if you've just paid your taxes but "forgot" to fill out IRS form 1-A17/D-446
-My son is an honors student.
-My daughter is an honors student.
-My son could beat up your honors kid.
-Jesus loves my son and is going to help him beat up your honors kid. Damn Arabs! We should kill all foreigners and make NASCAR the national pastime!

So you see the situation that plagues our national roadways, infects the bumper of every 1992 white Ford Escort, and has driven our nations drivers mad with the road-rage inducing affects of bumper stickers that are too small to see anyway.

The bottom line is that a lot of scary things, weird things, and downright stupid things are promoted through the blatant and untasteful use of bumper stickers.

So when you think about it, 'What are you? A bumper sticker?' Can actually be interpreted on many different levels. We are all victims in one way or another of senseless advertising or stupid people pitching stupid products or stupid ideas. People spouting non-sensical nosense (yes I know that's redundant) because they saw it on a bumper-sticker is a sure-fire sign of the coming apocaylpse, and when that comes, I think the last thing you want to hear is, "What are you? A bumper sticker?"